Mead Valley Asylum: Home for the Culinarily Confused, Pt 1

[hjsnapepm]

Welcome, one and all, to the long-hinted-at-but-probably-not-at-all-anticipated second season of the infamously inflammable Mead Valley Asylum! I planned on posting the first part of this follow-up well over a year ago, but LJ and Firefox conspired against me and it didn't happen. You can find the, ehem, explosive first season of MVA here, but it is certainly not necessary to read in order to follow this.

Without further ado, I bring you Mead Valley Asylum: Home for the Culinarily Confused.

Introducing the Inmates
Let's see what everybody's in for. Some of this season's inmates may be recognizable. The ones that aren't, well... I suck at celebrisimming. So there. :P


From left to right, we have:

Name: Rachael Ray
Best Known For: 30 Minute Meals, $40 Dollars a Day, EVOO, Cultural Ubiquity and Overexposure on Ritz Cracker Boxes.
Committed For: This.

Name: Bobby Flay
Best Known For: Iron Chef America, The Next Food Network Star, Throwdown with Bobby Flay and a ridiculous number of shows with 'Grilling' and 'Bobby Flay' in the title.
Committed For: Disrespecting Japanese culture and capsaicin-induced taste bud slaughter.

Name: Giada De Laurentiis.
Best Known For: Everyday Italian, Giada at Home, disproportionately large head and... other anatomy.
Committed For: Shameless abuse of the word "creamy."


From left to right, again:

Name: Sandra Lee
Best Known For: Semi-Homemade Cooking, Money Saving Meals, tablescapes, alcoholism.
Committed For: Various crimes against taste AND flavor including but not limited to:

The Drunken Christmas Tree
Artichoke. Nachos.
The Poop Cake
Just... Poop
This Thing
Aw, Hell, Just Watch This

Name: Guy Fieri
Best Known For: Guy's Big Bite, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives
Committed For: Catchphrase-a-palooza


Name: Paula Deen
Best Known For: Paula's Home Cooking, Paula's Party, being a lascivious grandma
Committed For: Butter addiction recovery


Left to right:

Name: Duff Goldman
Best Known For: Being the Ace of Cakes
Committed For: Fondant fever.

Name: Alton Brown
Best Known For: Good Eats, Feasting on Asphalt/Waves, Iron Chef America, random pop culture references and many many many culinary facts.
Committed For: Being my favorite and thus my controllable sim in this here asylum.


Mr Flay is feeling a little left out after watching RayRay reject Giada's attempt at a game of Red Hands, and Giada keeps the interaction rejection train rolling. What a nice way to start off a challenge.


In an attempt to avoid a repeat performance of the Flaming Microwave of MVA Death, everyone hunkers down to learn some culinary skills from, well... themselves. :\

Duff: I bet you know a thousand and one uses for a stick of butter, don't you, Paula?


Giada: Could you please keep your disturbing sexual fantasies to yourself? Some of us are trying to learn, here.


Duff: ...I wasn't talking about off-label uses, Little Miss Dirty Mind.


Bobby: Ooh, ooh, this is my favorite Throwdown!

Sandra: You're doing SUCH a good job, Bobby! But, can I just tell you? You didn't have to waste all of that time chopping up all of those fancy dancy peppers. Ev'rything you needed was in a lil' packet of taco seasoning! In it, there's jipoatlay¹, cayenne, salt, MSG...


Alton heads for the facilities, in anticipation of the inevitable rush for the sole toilet in the asylum.


Duff: Hey, AB, think fast!

Alton: Wha--oof!





Impeccable timing on your bathroom run, Mr Brown.


Duff: Hey, Paula, think fast!


Well, bless your heart, AB. That was a mighty nice thing to do for your fellow inmates.

Alton: Not really, I'm just not ready to be surrounded by half-starved lunatics armed with signature knife sets.

Fair enough.


Alton: [Insert Cold Day In Hell/Stick It Where The Sun Don't Shine Joke Here]

Rachael: Well, I never...!

Giada: *struts down invisible catwalk*


Sandra: Watch me! I‘m not Julia Child.
I don’t use anything grown wild.
I’m corporate paid making semi-homemade.
I’m rich, I’m Sandra Lee! ²


Duff: Boo! Boo!!!


The Welcome Wagon drops by to welcome the inmates to the neighborhood.



Dexter Morgan takes the opportunity to hit on old Jan Tellerman-Gissing. Gosh, Dex, what would Rita think?


Looks like Giada isn't too please with Dear Disloyal Dexter's adulterous ways.



Or, you know, Aunt Sandy is just that bad.


Jan: You look like that fellow in the meat pie episode of Good Eats. You know the one...

(Hint: This one.)

Jan: ...and they made it seem like he was baking his customers into his pies. Imagine that!


Sweeney: I, er... *laughs nervously*


Paula: You know what I think you need, Alton? A big ol' smackeroo.


Alton: Ah, thanks but no thanks, Ms Deen.


Giada: I can't believe they talked me into this. These people are out of their freaking minds.


Rachael: What do you mean, there's a meat pie back home with my name on it, buddy?


Paula: Hey, Alton, think fast!

Alton: Wha--oof!


Alton: That's it, no more Mister Nice Guy.


Duff: AB, how much butter do you think Paula uses on her eggs?

Alton: You've got issues, kid.


Besides, Paula's trying to kick the habit.


Bobby: I don't like Cake Boy, you don't like Cake Boy. BFF?

Guy: Nooooooo.


Rachael: Darn it, Bobblehead, it was my turn!

Turns out the girls were heckling Sandypants at the piano because they wanted to play.


Paula: I made everybody grilled cheese. Come'n get it!


Sandra: Did you use the packets of cheese from the mac and cheese boxes?

Paula: No.

Sandra: How about Cheez Whiz?

Paula: No.

Sandra: Velveeta?

Paula: Nope.

Sandra: Then I don't want--

Paula: ...but I did soak the bread in vodka before grilling it.


Paula: Ahh, the sweet smell of success.


Sweeney: Do you mind? I need the loo.

Rachael: Dum de dum dum dum.


Duff: Hey, Rach, wanna play Rock Paper Scissors?

Rachael: Sure!

Sweeney: Grrr...


Rachael and Duff: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot!

Sweeney: GTFO!!1!


Duff: VICTORY!

Rachael: ARRRGH!

Sweeney: I wonder if Mrs Lovett could use some more supplies...


Bobby: You know what I think is a really stupid thing to have in a cooking show?


Bobby: A puppet show. There's really no need.


Aw, cheer up, AB, he's just jealous. You better tuck in, I saw Dexter eyeing your sammich.


Alton: Paula makesh the besht grilled cheeshes ever, hehehe.

...She really did spike the bread. o___O


Uh oh. Throwdown with Bobby Flay just took on a whole new meaning.


Dexter: I'm supposed to be the only curly-haired redhead in Mead Valley.

Remember the Code, Dex. Someone's bound to notice if you flay Flay.


Sweeney: There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautifulllll...!

Duff: Cool story, bro.


No, Paula. NO.


Sweeney: *is creepy as hell*


Rachael: *is taking lessons from Sweeney*


My beloved controllable is asleep. Lovely. You know what they say: When the cat's away...




...the Food Network personalities will form unholy unions.

Or something like that.






Next time: Autonomous Casual Romance wreaks havoc on Food Network.



¹ Chipotle, as Simple Sandy Says.
² http://theblogthatatemanhattan.blogspot.com/2008/02/look-at-me-im-sandra-lee.html